One week after Dad entered intensive care and was on life support, the neurointensivist, Dr. Swami, asked:
“What quality of life do you want for your dad?”
“We can keep him on the ventilator, break his ribs to resuscitate him, but would he want that? Would you want that? Your dad may have already had a minor stroke. He might never return to who he was.”
In other words, we can keep him alive, but at what cost?
He was the first to ask this question after dozens of doctors and nurses treated my dad night and day.
It’s a question that has stuck with me since. Why do we so often wait until the last stage of life – or the most dire of medical conditions – to ask this question? Shouldn’t this be a guiding question for our lives, our loved ones and our communities when we’re full of health and blessed with time?
Three months later, Dad came back to us with a clear mind for a few weeks. We got one last chance to hold hands, look each other in the eye, and leave nothing unsaid.
I will never forget what he told me:
“I love you so much, son.”
“I have lived a great life with no regrets.”
“I can’t wait to see the Lord.”
“Take care of each other.”
For Dad, a great life was defined by love, going for it, faith, kindness.
What quality of life do you want?
What can you do about it today?
Since my dad’s long hospital stay and passing, this phrase – “quality of life” – has dominated my thoughts. I find it hard to think about much else. In tough times, so little else seems to matter. I’ve come to define quality of life three ways:
First, quality of life simply means less suffering.
How to suffer less?
In my view, prioritizing our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health can build a strong fortress to protect against suffering.
Towards the end, Dad would have treasured nothing more than one last stroll outside, or one last bowl of porridge. He couldn’t walk or eat.
For most of us, things are really not that bad – we have so much for which to be thankful. For me, this is the starting point to suffering less.
It’s catching myself when I start ruminating on everything wrong with my life and flipping to a different lens, like at the optometrist during an eye exam. I can choose to view that same life with deep gratitude. I am so blessed! With health, with time, with strong legs and a working throat.
As Confucius said, “A healthy man wants a thousand things, a sick man one.”
Suffering less also means practical planning for the future: seeking out quality health care and insurance plans, and having uncomfortable conversations about advance directives and resuscitation status orders. My dad did not want to burden us with medical bills, long-term care, or ambiguous wishes in case disaster struck, and planned well ahead for these scenarios.
While most of us prioritize our physical and mental health, we often overlook our emotional health (our ability to cope with emotional ups and downs) and spiritual health (a sense of purpose). Whether it’s Christianity, Buddhism, Stoicism or something else, our religious and wisdom traditions offer powerful paths to peace and purpose. They shape our perspective about what matters. When his body failed him, nothing gave my dad more comfort than prayer.
I believe examining the roots of our suffering is the first step towards better quality of life.
Second, quality of life means living in healthy environments. So often, the best thing we can do is change our surroundings. We can choose environments that prioritize quality of life in big ways (where we live and work) and small (our relationships, social circles and hobbies).
My dad immigrated from Guangzhou to Los Angeles in the 1950s, and my mom from Hong Kong to Los Angeles in the 1970s. My parents chose to raise us in Thousand Oaks, California, one of America’s safest cities with top-notch public schools. I grew up in a healthy environment because of their choices, hard work and luck.
My dad was able to get affordable health care living in Thousand Oaks. He was able to “live a great life with no regrets” because America afforded him opportunities to do so. He took advantage of those opportunities, worked hard, and designed a life that would allow him to spend more time with family, church and pickleball friends.
And yes, this is also a call to do our part – as parents, community leaders, entrepreneurs, educators and artists – to improve the quality of where we live. I like Canada’s quality of life framework that prioritizes and measures economic opportunity, health care, social cohesion, environment and good governance. So many factors determine quality of life and we can each make a small contribution. Dad worked for our county government, led Bible studies and taught pickleball classes at the local park. He loved connecting people. There was not an empty seat at his funeral.
While we might not be able to move cities or countries, we can do what we can to pick and build healthier environments to live, work and play.
My third requirement for quality of life is a sense of agency.
While writing the Fail-Safe Solopreneur, I asked dozens of people about their perfect day — my relaxed way to ask what people really want from life. What people craved most was connection, autonomy, and progress. As my mom replied, “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, spend whatever I want, and be with whoever I want.”
This matched up with Edward Deci’s self-determination theory, that humans have a deep psychological need to feel autonomous, competent and connected to others.
Observing my parents and their friends (most retired and in their 70s), I see that what they value most is health, relationships, and spending their time meaningfully – usually with loved ones, favorite hobbies, or cherished communities.
It’s one reason I have chosen the solopreneur path for nearly 15 years! I love the freedom to design each day. Yes, there are costs, but I am more than willing to pay them for this sense of agency.
So, for me, quality of life means (1) suffering less through prioritizing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health (2) living in and building healthy environments and (3) agency to spend my time meaningfully. I try to learn from my dad’s example, and mix these three ingredients into my day.
What does “quality of life” mean to you?
Defining and acting on this might be the best shortcut for living a great life with no regrets.
